Fun in Atlantis
by Yarrharr
Summary: UPDATED! What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time in addition to making fun of McKay? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…Now citrusflavored!
1. Prologue

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

* * *

Prologue

MEMO

To: Everyone in Atlantis

From: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

Re: We all need a break

Dear all,

After the incidents of last Friday(1), I have decided that everyone in Atlantis needs more good, SAFE ways to have fun. We have all endured a lot of stress in the past few months, and I think we could use some activities to relax and get to know one another better. So, two bulletin boards will be posted, one in the mess hall and one at the top of the stairs in the Gate Room. Everyone is invited to post flyers for activities that he or she would like to sponsor or teach. Be creative!

(However, activities involving ANY quantities of C-4 and skateboards will NOT be allowed. Col. Sheppard, Dr. McKay, and Ronon Dex, you have been warned. Also, Dr. Kavanaugh, please note that the bulletin boards are not meant to be a forum for suggestions, complaints, and general whining.)

I hope everyone enjoys the chance to have fun!

Sincerely,

Dr. Elizabeth Weir

(1)Thankfully, no one was hurt, and Dr. Zelenka reports that there was no structural damage to the South Pier.

* * *

Reviews appreciated. –Yarrharr. 


	2. Athosian Stickfighting

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

A/N: So I got the idea for this when I was wondering what the folks in Atlantis do in their off-duty hours...spoilers are for Season 1 and the beginning of Season 2; I haven't actually seen any of the episodes from Grace under Pressure onward, so DON'T spoil it for me! Hope you enjoy. All reviews appreciated.

* * *

Want to learn** ATHOSIAN STICKFIGHTING**? 

It's the third most popular form of exercise in the Pegasus Galaxy!(1) Athosian stickfighting, also known as 'sparring', can help you:

--Develop a toned, sleek body (covered with lots of attractive bruises)

--Relieve stress, sexual tension, and/or enzyme withdrawal

--Let off some steam after a long day of saving the galaxy

--Defend yourself from the Wraith, should they ever attack you with sticks

We meet twice weekly in the Atlantis gym. Please bring your own sweat towel and industrial-strength pain reliever; sticks will be provided. NOTE: Please consult with Dr. Beckett before starting any exercise regimen, especially if you are currently turning into a horny Wraith. For more information, contact instructors Teyla Emmagen or Ronon Dex.

(1)The most popular form of exercise is fleeing from the Wraith. Second is Pilates.

* * *


	3. Running and Bagpiping

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

* * *

Bagpipe Lessons

Sponsored by Dr. Carson Beckett

You don't have to be Scottish to play the bagpipes(1). All you need is a little help from Dr. Beckett. Learn to play 'Loch Lomond' and 'Annie Laurie'! Annoy your friends! Impress the bonnie lasses!

First meeting: Tuesday, 7 pm, Infirmary. Please bring your own tartan.

(1)Although having a strong liking for haggis helps.

* * *

Running with Ronon

Jog with the three-time winner of the Satedan Marathon! He'll teach you how to live off game and berries while running as if the Wraith were behind you. Dreadlocks optional.

* * *

Suggestions? Questions? Spanish Inquisitions? Just click the button! 


	4. Chess and Chakras

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

* * *

Chess Club

Think you're ready to challenge Rodney McKay, the Grand Master of Atlantis? Well, think again. Because you're not going to win. Nobody in this city can match his keen strategic mind or tactical boldness. Especially not Zelenka, who is a cheater. There is no such thing as 'special Czech rules'.

* * *

Yoga

Starting Thursday, Dr. Heightmeyer is going to lead a weekly class of beginner's yoga. In addition to learning how to put your foot behind your head, you'll also learn poses such as The Crane, The Downward Dog, and The Contemplative Scorpion. Dr. Heightmeyer will explain how simple breathing exercises and daily meditation can reduce stress and realign your chakras. She will also include a ten-minute lesson on how to take control of your Wraith-sensing abilities using hypnosis.

* * *

A/N: Who else would teach yoga except Heightmeyer...she always struck me as the New-Agey type. Please review! 


	5. Old and Young

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

* * *

Tips on Staying Young with Dr. Elizabeth Weir the Elder—A Once-in-an-Extended-Lifetime Opportunity!

"Would you like to know my secret to living for over **ten thousand** years? Want to find out what moisturizer will keep your skin soft despite the dryness of stasis? Come to my informational seminar!"

Location: Atlantis Ballroom (the one in the East Pier that Rodney discovered last week)

Time: 3-5 pm, with breaks every fifteen minutes when Dr. Weir dozes off

* * *

Hide and Seek (organized by Jinto)

Relive the terror of your childhood with a game of hide and seek. To make the game more interesting, you'll also have to evade a giant amorphous black energy-hunting creature. TAG, YOU'RE IT! (Note: Parental permission required.)

* * *

You know what to do. 


	6. Charin and Chaya

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

* * *

Cooking with Charin

If you'd like to try some authentic Athosian cuisine, then this is for you. The beloved 'Naquata Chef' of Athos will teach students how to make tuttle-root soup, squid-eye stew, Wraith-blood borscht, and triple-distilled Athosian whiskey(1), among other dishes. She will also recount traditional Athosian stories and drinking songs, including "The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered" and "Bottle of Smoke".

(1)For advanced cooks only.

* * *

SPECIAL GUEST LECTURE

Chaya, the Priestess of Athar, reveals her **Secrets to Ascension**! During her lecture, you will:

Learn how meditation can become the key to enlightenment—and to better health! Discover the advantages of being made entirely of energy, such as never having to worry about your hair.

Get in touch with your spiritual side.

Find out how ascending to a higher state of being can improve your love life!

Date: TBA (following confirmation by Athar)

* * *

A/N: Song references in this chapter are from the great Terry Pratchett and the Pogues, respectively. Review, s'il vous plaît! 


	7. Poker Night

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

* * *

Ladies' Poker Night! (No boys allowed)

Share a hand of poker, a smattering of gossip, and a pitcher of Cosmopolitans with the girls of Atlantis. We meet Thursdays at nine in the rec room. The ladies' auxiliary wing also organizes Chick Flick nights to watch classics like Sex and the Lost City, Bridges over Pegasus County, and The Athosian Patient.

Co-sponsored by Lieut. Laura Cadman and Dr. Elizabeth Weir.

* * *

A/N: Seems like a lot of people are reading, but not reviewing. I may have to cut back on chapters if y'all don't review...grins evilly. 


	8. Poker Night: Part 2

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

A/N: Thanks to Sazzy1234 for the idea! See people, good things happen when you review...it's called karma.

"Slimy girls" reference is to the club in the hilarious comic strip Calvin & Hobbes.

* * *

Guys' Poker Night (No slimy girls allowed)

There's a reason why it's called Texas Stud. Practice the manly art of gambling while enjoying a fine Cuban cigar (don't ask me how Zelenka gets a hold of them). Brush up on your bluffing for when you might really need it…say, when you're facing down a crowd of angry villagers who think that ZPM is a religious relic and/or fertility icon. Eat potato chips, drink beer, and belch as often as you like. We meet Wednesday nights at ten in the rec room.

Co-sponsored by Major Lorne and Lieut. Col. Sheppard

* * *


	9. Flying Lessons

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

DISCLAIMER: This show and its characters belong to the SciFi Channel and the writers...but at least we can play with them.

A/N: Due to popular acclaim and pleading for more, I'm posting a couple more chapters before I go do homework. Thanks especially to Seanait for all of your enthusiastic posts! Remember, more reviews mean more chapters!

* * *

Flying Lessons 

ATLANTIS NEEDS MORE JUMPER PILOTS! (Rodney and Dr. Beckett don't count.)

Lieut. Col. John Sheppard will teach you the basics of flying a Puddle Jumper, including lessons on crash-landing, using scanning sensors, parallel parking, avoiding Wraith fire, returning Wraith fire, and fixing a damaged ship in under 38 minutes. Will also teach students how to retake your jumper if desperate convicts, the Genii, and/or a stranded badass Wraith have captured it. Special lesson on flying a Wraith Dart for more advanced pilots.

Only bearers of the Ancient gene need apply.

* * *


	10. Support Group

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Tragedy/Angst...no, just kidding, it's Humor

DISCLAIMER: Of course I don't own Stargate Atlantis or any of these characters. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction.

* * *

Enzyme Addicts Anonymous (Atlantis Chapter)

Are you feeling the effects of withdrawal? Craving that 'high'? Wondering how to move on with your life? You're not alone. Come join this support group for former enzyme addicts. Learn how the 12-Step Program can help you kick the habit—and your dependence on Wraith enzyme dealers!

Sponsored by Dr. Kate Heightmeyer

* * *


	11. Golfing Lessons

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Stargate Atlantis and its crew. I don't own much of anything, in fact...I'm a college student, for heaven's sakes!

A/N: Aww, thanks y'all! I appreciate all the reviews, they made me smile and chuckle. And ideas/input for future chapters is definitely appreciated; that's where the guys' Poker Night came from! Next up: Golf!

* * *

Bend It Like Beckett: How to Improve Your Golf Swing Without Rupturing Your Lumbar Discs

Practice the traditional Scottish sport with Dr. Beckett and improve your score by at least five strokes! Learn the perfect ergonomic swing, without the need for a chiropractor! Spend time outdoors and release some stress by whacking a wee little ball with a club.

Location: The Atlantis driving range (a.k.a. the balcony outside Weir's office)

* * *


	12. Learn a Foreign Language

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

DISCLAIMER: I don't own or make any profit from Stargate Atlantis, etc, etc.

* * *

Learn to Speak Czech

Learn to speak the language of quantum physics with Dr. Radek Zelenka. In addition to discovering the rich history, culture, and literature of the Czech Republic, you'll also develop a greater appreciation for physics, football (the real kind) and Franz Kafka. In no time you'll be saying "Kanadský vědci jsou hloupý"(1)!

(1)Translation: "Canadian scientists are idiots!"

* * *

A/N: Please excuse my Czech; I had to look it up on an online dictionary, so it may be a bit wonky. Reviews always appreciated! 


	13. Farming and Football

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Spiritual/Supernatural (hah! Just kidding.)

DISCLAIMER: I only wish that I owned Stargate Atlantis or the Sci-Fi Channel. In fact, if I did own that channel, we'd be seeing a lot fewer of those dumb "Anaconda vs. Tarantula" marathons and a lot more Stargate and Battlestar (sighs)...one can dream...

* * *

Monday Night Football

Football is not just a sport; it is a cornerstone of Western civilization. Therefore, drinking beer, eating popcorn, and watching "Terry Bradshaw's Classic Games of All Time" is more than entertainment; it is also an essential educational experience. And it is much more exciting to watch than hockey, no matter what Rodney says.

* * *

So You Want to Be a Farmer…

Halling plans to give advice on sowing, cultivating, and harvesting. In addition to discussing the merits of the tava bean in crop rotation, he will explain how to get better yield out of your land. He will also tell you what to do when crop circles start mysteriously appearing in the fields (1), and will analyze the difficulties of farming when Wraith cullings disrupt the growing season.

(1)Start by praying to the Ancestors. You DON'T want to piss them off. Remember how McKay obliterated most of a solar system with one of their weapons? Yeah. They can wreak havoc on your cornfields if you get on their bad side.

* * *

A/N: Reviews make me happy. Happy means I post more chapters. Ergo, if you want more chapters, review! PS Constructive criticism makes me extra-extra happy. 


	14. Portfolios and Needlepoint

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

A/N: I'm not sure about Caldwell's rank, so please tell me if I'm wrong. And review!

* * *

Needlepoint with Ronon

Now you, too, can discover the magic of embroidery! Ronon Dex will help you work on your French knots, lazy daisy stitches, and chain stitching. You'll also see charming examples of Satedan samplers and learn some new cross-stitching techniques. Please bring your own backing fabric; thimbles will be provided.

* * *

Atlantis/Daedalus Investment Club

Would you like to expand and diversify your investment portfolio? Want to get in on the promising real estate market in the Pegasus galaxy? Interested in the new naquata futures exchange? Find out how to dazzle the ladies (and earn loads more money for retirement than your Air Force pension will ever pay) with the Investment Club!

President: Colonel Caldwell

* * *


	15. Golfing Lessons Cancelled

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

DISCLAIMER: I'm just using this show for fun. I promise I won't hurt anyone.

* * *

NOTE: 'Bend It Like Beckett' Golf Lessons Have Been Cancelled Until Further Notice

Since plate glass isn't easy to come by in this galaxy, Dr. Beckett will not lead any more golf lessons unless he finds another 'driving range' or stops crashing golf balls into the windows of my office.

Sincerely, Dr. Weir

* * *


	16. SciFi Club

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

DISCLAIMER: I do not own, nor make any profit from, Stargate Atlantis. Pity...

* * *

Sci-Fi Club

If you brought the entire DVD set of Andromeda episodes to Atlantis as your single 'personal item', then this is the club for you. We are avowed X-File aficionados, true Trekkies, stalwart students of Star Wars, faithful fans of Firefly, acolytes of Asimov, observers of Orson Scott Card, and devotees of Dune. We gather once a week to watch episodes and movies and to discuss the enduring wisdom that is science fiction. We are planning to hold the first sci-fi convention in the Pegasus galaxy this spring.

President and Club Secretary General: Col. John Sheppard

Supreme Ruler and Dictator-for-Life: Dr. Rodney McKay

* * *

A/N: Sorry I haven't updated sooner; i've been busy lately. Review and I'll try to post more! 


	17. Surfing with Sheppard

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

DISCLAIMER: I don't own, nor make profit from, this show and/or its characters, yada yada.

A/N: I've been really busy with school lately, so I've kinda neglected this story. Here's some more chapters for y'all!

* * *

Surfing with Sheppard

It has recently come to my attention that we're living on a planet that is over 90 percent ocean, in a city called ATLANTIS. And yet we spend ridiculously little time in the water. What's up with that!

Anybody who wants to learn how to surf, or who'd like to get better at it, or who just wants to paddle around a bit, I'm going to give lessons twice a month as long as the weather's warm enough. Bring your own bikini and/or wetsuit. Lessons will be cancelled in the event of huge killer hurricanes or nanite virus epidemics.

* * *

A/N: Please review! I appreciate all feedback and ideas for more chapters... 


	18. Juggling with Weir

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

* * *

Learn to Juggle

Dr. Weir will be sponsoring fun-filled juggling lessons starting this Friday. No experience is necessary, and anyone can do it! I mean, if one woman can balance the weight of an entire city, the responsibilities of a scientific expedition, and burdensome military decisions all at the same time, then certainly you can keep a few tennis balls in the air. Later lessons will teach more difficult techniques, such as juggling plates, flaming batons, and eventually Wraith stunners.

* * *

A/N: I wish I could juggle. 


	19. Drinking with Kolya

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

DISCLAIMER: Don't own, wish I did.

AN: Hey everyone, sorry I haven't updated in a long time. Blame my work schedule. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, especially those who give me new ideas :) As for those who read without reviewing...c'mon, it doesn't take much time to drop me a 'thanks' or 'I hate your guts'. I mean, really...

* * *

Kolya's Favorite Drinking Game (to be played during Happy Hour or whenever you damn well feel like it)

RULES:

1. Take a shot of Athosian triple-distilled whiskey every time your stupid leader sends you on a mission without enough men or preparation.

2. Sip of beer when you order one of your men to "Find him!"

3. Take a shot every time you hold someone from Atlantis hostage.

4. Double shots every time you threaten to kill that hostage, but don't.

5. Drink of water whenever you're getting soaked outside in a storm (hey, you better keep hydrated—good soldiers don't get hung over).

6. Drink your beer and give a remorseful, self-pitying sigh every time you fail to acquire the city and/or ZPM you were sent to steal.

7. Chug the rest of your drink when John Sheppard fails to kill you because, in the end, he's a better man than you are.

8. Smash your glass and start a bar brawl whenever the writers decide to bring you back from the dead/the Genii underworld/wherever they put Aiden Ford and use you in an episode.

* * *

AN: I'm not condoning drinking games, I swear... 


	20. Psychic Wraith Network

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

DISCLAIMER: Don't own, just having fun.

* * *

Want to Learn Your Future? Try the Wraith Psychic Network!

Only Miss Teyla has the power to open the psychic world and discover the secrets of the Wraith! For a minimal fee (1), she will read your palm, examine the Tarot cards, and tell you whether your boyfriend really is cheating on you with that slut from P4X-394. For an additional charge, she may also reveal the secret battle plans of the Wraith fleet (2). Call for your reading today!

(1) $13.95/minute.

(2)The Wraith Psychic Network does not claim liability for any damages Miss Teyla may cause if she becomes possessed by the Wraith during a reading. Customers are advised to keep a stun weapon on hand just in case.


	21. Voodoo Shop

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

DISCLAIMER: Don't own, just having fun.

* * *

Voodoo Shop

Location: Infirmary

If you need to harness the powers of black magic, then Dr. Carson Beckett is your necromancer. Not only can he provide you with amulets guaranteed to protect against the Wraith (1), he can also curse and/or cure your enemies. Voodoo dolls (with pins in all the right places), _gris-gris_, and love potions available. Exorcisms with appointment. Experimental gene therapies and alien autopsies conducted weekly. NOTE: Creation of zombie armies must be scheduled at least three weeks in advance.

(1) Also known as P-90's.


	22. Beauty School with Bob

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

DISCLAIMER: Don't own, just having fun.

* * *

Beauty School with "Bob" the Wraith

At Bob's Beauty School, the only cosmetology school in the Pegasus Galaxy, you too can learn how to achieve an amazing goth-glam look. Bob will teach you how to do the following:

--Pluck, wax, and shape eyebrows into that haughty sneer

--Pick a shade of blush to suit your slimy greenish skin

--Apply Stargate-proof mascara

--Keep your nails long and neat even when fighting those pesky humans

More advanced students will learn dreadlock-maintenance techniques and design their own unique facial markings.

Location: Shadowy corridors, West Pier, Atlantis

* * *

A/N: "Bob" was the Wraith from back in Season 1, so named by John Sheppard. Don't forget to review! 


	23. Antiques Roadshow

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (besides make fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

DISCLAIMER: Don't own, just having fun.

SPOILERS: Mild spoilers for the most recent SG-1 episode, "The Pegasus Project".

* * *

Antiques Roadshow Comes to Atlantis!

Vala Mal'doran, expert antiques appraiser, will be arriving next week to explore (1) the treasures of Atlantis! Wondering how much you can fence your great-grandmother's priceless, generations-old heirloom jewelry for on the Pegasus black market? Hoping that the strange Ancient-made "souvenir" you just happened to pick up on M4S-318 last month might be worth something? Come to this one-time event and find out!

(1)I.e. mysteriously acquire and re-sell for a much higher price on distant planets.

* * *

A/N: I'm so happy they finally brought Vala back! She rocks. Although I'm not sure whether I spelled her name right. Shrugs PLEASE REVIEW! 


	24. 38 Minutes

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

SUMMARY: What do the residents of the Lost City do in their spare time (in addition to making fun of McKay)? Find out what happens when someone decides to start a bulletin board for Atlantis activities…psychic networks, needlepoint, and bagpiping ensue.

GENRE: Humor

DISCLAIMER: Don't own, just having fun.

SPOILERS: Mild spoilers for "The Pegasus Project" (SG-1), "38 Minutes"

A/N: Shout-out to Rissa of the Saiya-Jin and Reefgirl for all their wondrous reviews. I appreciate all the feedback I get, especially ideas for future chapters. So review away!

* * *

38 Minutes in Hell: Or, How to Survive Being Stuck in a Jumper with an Annoying Scientist (Who Shall Remain Nameless) by John Sheppard

In this workshop, you will learn amazing tips on how to endure the agony and the…well, worse agony of a hyperactive, arrogant scientist in close quarters for a long period of time. These insights come from almost two years' hands-on experience and is guaranteed to work in most life-threatening circumstances. The workshop includes:

--Why you should always keep at least one lemon in your grenade belt

--Lessons in understanding Nerdspeak, Geekish, Jargon, and Lingo (similar to Klingon, but with fewer glottal plosives)

--What to do if said scientist almost blows up three-quarters of a solar system

(Hint: it involves your handy P-90)

* * *


	25. Support Group Part 2

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

DISCLAIMER: I don't own, so don't sue me.

SPOILERS: "Irresistible"

* * *

Herb Addicts Anonymous

Some know it simply as "the herb". Other street names include "love grass", "baker's dozen", "Lucius tea", or "laffy-taffy". If you're recovering from an addiction to Lucius and his pheromone drug, you're not alone. And there is no need to be embarrassed about your actions during his stay; what happens in Atlantis, stays in Atlantis. Professional aid is available to help you deal with those longings for his touch and the strange desires for blue Jello with whipped cream.

* * *

A/N: 25 chapters! Woohoo! Thanks to everyone for your continued reviews. I'm always looking for more ideas, so feedback is very much appreciated! 


	26. Hiccups

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

DISCLAIMER: Don't own, so don't sue me.

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Sazzy1234, who emailed me a long time ago with some great suggestions. I finally got around to writing a couple of them. Thanks, Sazzy!

* * *

HELP WANTED

Does anyone know a surefire way to get rid of the hiccups? If you have a solution, please email it to Please exclude the following methods, which have already proved unsuccessful:

--Holding one's breath

--Drinking water

--Drinking vodka (actually made hiccups worse, but more amusing)

--Sticking out one's tongue and singing "Jingle Bells" backwards

--Being glared at by a scornful Asgard (NOT helpful, Hermiod)

* * *


	27. Highland Laddie

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

DISCLAIMER: Don't own, so don't sue me.

* * *

Highland Games—Become the next Donald Dinnie!

Join Dr. Carson Beckett in a celebration of Scottish culture, haggis, and manly athletic events at the first Intergalactic Highland Games! The games will take place next weekend on the mainland outside the Athosian village, weather permitting. Participate in thrilling competitions such as tossing the caber, hurling the sheaf, throwing the clachneart, slamming the brummker, and whumping the sheppard (1). Other events include:

--Battle Axe Throw: Please bring your own battle axe

--Kilted Mile: Foot race in which all runners must wear kilts (no exceptions)

--Women's events: Tossing the Wellie, folk dances, and Bonnie Knees contest (in which ladies judge male competitors by certain parts of their anatomies...no, not that part! You people have dirty minds)

--Whiskey Tasting: Self-explanatory

--Farmer's Walk: Carrying two 150-pound weights as far as possible (followed by post-walk hernia treatment by Dr. Beckett)

(1) Literary event only

* * *

A/N: This chapter also came from a suggestion by Sazzy1234. Pretty much all these events are real, not made up. Those Scots sure are inventive! PS. Donald Dinnie is considered one of Scotland's greatest athletes and competed in many Highland Games.

If you want more, review!


	28. Home Movies

TITLE: Fun in Atlantis

RATING: G/K

DISCLAIMER: Don't own, so don't sue me.

A/N: Sorry it took so long to update! Document Manager wouldn't let me upload for the longest time until I finally got a new browser. Anyway, enjoy!

SPOILERS: Common Ground

:o:

PROJECT GREENLIGHT—The Pegasus Galaxy Version

Next weekend Kolya will be hosting a workshop on how to direct your very own home movies! With the most basic equipment and a hostage or two, you can capture priceless memories or create Hollywood-worthy drama. (Hint: Threatening to sic a Wraith on your hostage always engages the audience.) Kolya will share his expertise on close-ups, plot development, montages, cut-away shots, attempting coups of your people's government, and editing. Plus he has a funny little goatee, which proves that he's a bona fide director!

Note: Please bring your own hostage; be sure to tie him or her securely. Especially if said hostage is John Sheppard.

:o:

Please review!


End file.
